hey guys, so a lot has been happening recently. I am almost halfway through trimester 2 of university! Its exciting, but I have also dug myself into a hole. I have been really depressed recently, strugging a lot with food, and struggling to keep on top of my university work.

This year ive been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, which ive talked about before, but also most recently; borderline personality disorder. Ive known i have had this for a while, but actually getting the conformation has been difficult.

i have good friends now, I am seemingly happy. I think i am happy.

I feel safe for the first time in ages. I have been having less nightmares, I have been less on edge. I think a lot of this is because I have moved out from my parents and am now in university halls of residence. I love my dorm. I love my friends. I love the people and the environment. I even applied to be a residental advisor for next year, i was so determined to get the job. But i didnt.

i dont know what i want, i still need to figure it out. what if i never do? all i know is I want to move to new york or boston. I want to get away from new zealand and actually have the chance to live; to actually have the chance to get better. Everyone thinks nz is great (if your not from here atleast) and sure aspects of it are great, but the thing is it is so small and there is no way to get a second chance here. You cant reinvent yourself. Everyone knows you as that old version of you and they will never forget it. They will never move on. They will never see you as anything else.

so my plan is to finish university, get my masters degree and then move to america. I plan to cut all ties with New Zealand; probably with my family too. I just dont know if i have the patience to stay until then, I may just get my bachelors degree and then leave. I am not really sure yet. I dont know what I want to actually do for a career. I considered working in mental health, as a clinical psychologist but I dont ever see myself getting to that point where I am well enough to support people with the same struggles as me. I dont think it would be a good idea.

i could maybe work as an educational psychologist, but my human development class last trimester wasnt that interesting to me. I do really enjoy criminology, so i could work in criminology. As a kid I was always fascinated by crime and criminals; I loved hunter street in particular and collected all the spy stuff from scolastics bookfair. Maybe I could work within psychology and criminology.

I have time to decide though, I have time to figure it out. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I dont need to have my whole life planned out right now.

I have also signed up to be a counsellor for camp america in 2027!! I think it would be a super cool experience, and also good for me to go to america and explore and figure out if i really do want to move there afterall. I will just see what happens.

i am hoping to get back on my adhd meds soon and also the mid-trimester break is coming up so I will actually try and dig myself out of this hole. I plan to spend the time catching up on my notes and readings. I really want to do well. I feel like I will do well when I am back on my meds.

anyway, here is my life update. I think I will need to slow down my updates on here for a while, neocities is great though, its a really good outlet for me. I love coding. I love creating.
i still will be here, just maybe not as often.

here is my plan for future updates:

update journal style

update wardrobe

update art

maybe when i get more through my tomodachi life save, do something based around tomodachi life in here. I have a few ideas already, it would just take a long time to complete.

that will be it for now,
23anhedonia ᝰ.ᐟ